Sunday, November 26, 2006

today i shall blog..
with how i have been really feeling for the past recent periods.
i have to admit i was happy with all my friends, yet i cant deny tt i am in pain too..


i have not been the best for the past few periods, the few close ones would noe. i wont say i am fine this time. i guess i'll jus let it out.

i guess i was creating a nightmare for myself from the start. maybe never should i have gone into the relationship. if so, all of this hurt could have been avoid.
this was always how i felt. but i cant deny tt i have learnt, and grown alot, through the joys, the pain and agony, the lonliness in this relationship too.
i feel tt i'm a bad guy. i hate myself to treat her cold, jus because i dun wan her to have any hopes for mi. i feel from bad to worse everytime i have to tug her away when she comes near. i'm battling her feelings, my feelings and a future that wouldnt be cool for mi. i wonder why i had ever even tot of such a path, yet it seems like the most visible way for mi to head. its so lonely, filled with agony, my heart has been weeping, my body crying, i sometimes falter, and sometimes i even collapse.

i dun wan my loved ones to see mi in pain. i dun wan my mother to worry for mi, i dun wan to show a gloomy face to my classmates, i jus wan to be someone whom can brighten up someone's day because i noe how great it feels. but i guess i still suck at it.

its the hardest thing to push someone whom once "belong" to u away. this feeling i have been keeping inside. it feels so terrible, sometimes even life lost its taste. all i could think of myself is tt i am an absolutely dumb bastard, i'm ruining a future for myself.

went out with batch 6 and the two sisters for steamboat. had a great time, but when i saw the photos in her blog, i couldnt help but feel a great sting. was it because i wasnt firm on myself enough? was it because of her relentless pursue for happiness? was it even a crime to treat her nicely? was it jus karma to see her leave mi like tt? i dunno...i feel really terrible. i felt like crying. i've become weak again. i told myself tt i should let her go so she could be happier. but i forgot how to stand up again.

maybe its because i was too used to her companion..sigh..i guess i've to learnt to face the fact tt i chose. after all, it was mi whom made all the decisions, it would only be wise for mi to take the agony alone.. because of this, even until now, she doesnt noes i have this blog.

maybe this feeling will fade with time, coz i can be sure its not totally love anymore. dear God, guide mi in finding strength.




i need a good cry. i really do.